#beachlife

Three months ago, my husband stole my rent money and left to live on an island 600 miles away.

Instinctually, I want to paint a picture of this experience by explaining what the worst part of it has been and why. But the first sentence was already the worst part.  That’s it. The drama peaks at the beginning of the story, which I’d have to say is really a depressing kind of story to be in. This story begins with an ending, but immediately insists upon its own sequel in spite of having no discernable plot.

I struggle to talk about my separation because I find that people typically want a story. Stories have chronological events. They have heroes and villains. They present an obstacle to overcome and everyone wants to believe that the main character they’re invested in will prevail.

Nothing in the last three months of my life resembles anything close to a story as we know it, at least not one that anyone would want to hear. Imagine: The protagonist is an inexperienced driver who gets stuck in the mud. She attempts different maneuvers with the car to no avail, tears up someone’s lawn, panics, texts someone for help but it never comes and then this just repeats indefinitely.

Once people are up to speed on the “husband spontaneously moved 600 miles away” thing, I kind of hit a wall with what I’m comfortable sharing about the experience. For the sake of giving people what they want, I can pick out a few details and spout them off so they feel like they’re hearing my success story in the making. “I’m registered for spring classes and back on track to finish my degree!” “At first I didn’t have child care for work, but now our daughter is in head start and loves it!” “It’s been difficult but I know it is for the best and will get better.” None of that reflects my actual experience, though.

In reality, these three months, each week and each day, they all just feel like containers in which all the “weird and sad things that only happen when your husband leaves you” now go. Things like “possibly irreversible financial ruin due to not knowing how car insurance works”, “make peace with husband’s bad influence friend, get wine drunk and cry together on your porch over your impending divorces”, “300 unanswered Tinder messages”, “my 12 year old is smoking cigarettes”, “which bill can go the longest without a payment”, “I can’t figure out where he kept any of our important paperwork”, “he was a horrible husband and I hate him” and of course “but also why won’t he just love me, am I not good enough?”

….