An exchange with my father about his mental health and addictive behaviors

Since I’m currently unable to try any more medications until I’m done breastfeeding, I’m using this time to delve deeper into my family history and my own mind in order to help my psychiatrist figure out which direction to go in when we’re ready. As a reminder we’re still not even sure about whether or not any of my diagnoses will stick or change completely. So I asked my dad to refresh my memory, give me some information about what his mental health was like growing up. What he sent me was short but powerful, as usual for most important things he chooses to say.

 “OK …well…for as long as I remember, I was put down…teachers…school mates…dad!!! So never learned to be social or never could open up to a soul how I felt. I hated living…tried to run away even at five or four years old. I was only content when alone. I hated being forced to be with the family or in close proximity to them. As a kid I could not find it you me to do homework no matter how much I was beat at school…beat a lot!!! Taken to closet or wherever and beat. I hated life more then.,by 6 or 7th grade I was just a piece of walking crap. I wanted to die but never wanted to hurt mom so just thinking of how it would hurt her kept me alive. When I went through puberty I had more trouble with my own thoughts. I couldn’t sleep at all during regular sleep times. I  barely got to sleep then it was time to get up…mom had rough time getting me up for school. I was doing a lot of stealing and did a lot every where I could. I had no money no allowance of any kind…so had to steal…or at least that’s what I remember telling myself.I had an addictive personality .. Lots of self sex. Lots! Porn any where I could get it. Finally… I got to high school!!! Dope!!! I got high!!! Man what a life saver!! I still stole…I got better at it and bolder too… Thousands of dollars worth. I had just a few friends now and smoked weed with them often as possible. Still not very good at social things then. Went on to tech school in ***** and learned to drink and trip… Screwed up school…no surprise… I was loose and wild…no control. A great big drunk by then and barely learned to control it enough to get through to be 30. Relationships were very hard for me. Is that enough for a start?¿ I have to stop thinking of those times… Just for now…love you..hope you get something from that! “

Depression, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, hypersexuality, social troubles, abuse, impulsive behaviors… all of this in just one run-on paragraph. It’s also just scratching the surface, I believe. It’s hard to look at that e-mail and still feel the resentment I have for his parenting because I know that he was never given the tools that he needed to take care of himself let alone another person. But I’m still left knowing that we both got screwed out of a life we had the right to if we just would have been treated properly.

I still have more digging to do. I have more thinking to do. My fathers behaviors are a piece of the puzzle, one that looks very similar to my own in many ways… but I’m still not completely sure what all of it means for me and how it can help with my treatment.

To be continued.